Yesterday I blogged about being pregnant. I was excited and nervous, hoping I wouldn’t “jinx” it by doing so.
I’ve had about 48 hours to sit with this new news. This wonderful, miraculous, terrifying news.
I mentioned that I was aware of the health risks and I am… today it just seems overwhelming.
I’m 40 years old. I’m overweight. I’m diabetic. I have high blood pressure. Low back pain. History of miscarriage…
I’m trying so hard to not let these thoughts scare the shit out of me.
It’s not working too well.
I haven’t had my arthritis medication for over a month and now my knees are swollen. I have looked into natural anti-inflammatory foods and will stock up.
I’m trying to make peace with being ok with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is.
This is where “Heaven’s Reward Fallacy” comes in. Heaven’s Reward is the belief that in this case, we are taught to believe that input is equal to output. We sacrifice and give our all. We put everything and everyone before ourselves. We give out so much good karma that good things must come back to us.
If I eat right, sleep enough, take all my meds, exercise, do everything right… I will have a healthy baby.
I plan on doing all of these things… and I know that I cannot count on right actions absolutely leading to right results.
This pregnancy was planned and in a very real way, a surprise. I had made peace with the fact that Tayla was going to be my only child. I would work in the hospital’s NICU. I would wait (anxiously) to become an aunt … or a grandma (not too anxiously).
I guess I’m saying that whatever happens, I know I’ll be ok. I just need to reassure myself because this full day of worrying… I don’t want to do this again.