There is a tree outside our house that can be seen from my bedroom window, the kitchen window and the deck. It is big, strong, healthy, beautiful tree and last week it started to don its fall attire. In one small section. Not even an eighth of its foliage had slipped into crimson colors. Dandelion and pumpkin colors huddled together, like the cool kids in a clique in high school.
Late yesterday afternoon, I took my book and went to my bedroom and assumed my default pre-teen pose: lying on my stomach across my bed, my legs bent at the knee and ankles crossed. I lay the book on the bed, propped myself up on a pillow and began to read.
In the background, my subconscious heard a noise. It was a comforting sound but one I didn’t really pay attention to until I realized that it was the rain. It was raining hard. I popped up off of the bed and went to the window. It was dark at 5:00, very dark. I opened the window as far as it could go and leaned on the frame of the window, my head resting on the screen.
Immediately my eyes were drawn to the tree. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the kaleidoscope of colors, seemingly waving to me.
I thought of Natalie. How I wished she could see this, with me. My chest and heart were heavy with sorrow and I started my own downpour.
The rain was thick and cold. It hit the concrete patio with a slap. Slap! Slap! Slapslapslapslapslap!
“I wish you were here Nat” I said to myself.
Then it happened.
The rain that had been pounding the ground, the earth, the concrete stopped falling down and fell sideways.
It rained sideways.
For a few seconds, it was raining in my bedroom. The water droplets made their way through the screen and pelted my lips.
I don’t know if I’m crazy, well, I do. I am. But that’s beside the point.
I felt like I’d gotten a kiss from Heaven.
Immediately, the rain resumed the course of gravity and I watched a few seconds longer before closing the window.
Today. Today she would’ve been 38. I woke up around 7 and went downstairs to snap a picture of the tree. I wanted to post a photo of magic, but when I got downstairs and looked out the window, the magic was gone.
The colors were still there, technically but instead of brilliant, individual colors they all matted together and made an old rust color.
I wondered if the dark gray sky had made them look more vibrant but there was definitely something missing today…
It was you, Nat.
You are gone and the world is less colorful, less magical.
I know you are still with me and us and I do cherish the signs I get from you… I guess I will always just want more.
Striving For Sanity 