Here it is again. The dreaded 19th. Nine months to the day, we lost Natalie.
It’s still just as devastating and confusing today as it was then. I still replay the conversation with my brother, asking if she was dead and him whispering “yeah”. Still going over the agonizing wait in her apartment building while the Medical Examiner explained his initial findings and wondering what if I’d only called more often or been more available?
I know I’ve mentioned before the paradox of the time aspect. How it feels like it just happened and like it’s been years and I’ve hurt every second of that time…
Things are changing though. Slowly but surely. Don asked me how many weeks it’s been now and I didn’t know. I think I’ve even gotten through a Thursday or two without constantly looking at the clock and wondering what was happening this time on May 19th?
Last night I spent a couple of hours downloading mp3 files of Natalie from her “Smokin'” days to some of the last music she sang. Of course I had a breakdown but here’s what I noticed that was different: I was angry.
I mean, of course I’m angry and I’ve been angry… but my internal message changed.
It went from “Oh my God. Natalie.” to “God damn you Natalie!”
I’m not judging it, good or bad, It doesn’t really matter… it’s just an observation.
Same with letting go. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Who knows? It is what it is and is sucks.
I miss her. I love her. I’m happy she’s not in pain anymore. I’m angry with her and the drug companies. I want to get back to a place where I can feel motivated to change the things I can instead of feeling paralyzed by emotional pain.