All of THAT for THIS?


A lot of you know that a couple of years back, I filed for disability. As probably all of you know, or can guess, it’s a terribly grueling process. You gut yourself on paper, which, admittedly I do anyway in my free time but for disability you have to basically prove you’re worthless without them. For people who have a hard time asking for help to begin with… it was exceptionally difficult to see my limitations staring back at me in black and white.

I can’t walk long distances without extreme pain. I can’t make the bed without getting winded. Dinners are confined to the microwave, mostly, because my wrists give out when lifting pots and pans. I long to run and play with Tayla at the park. Sometimes I can’t shampoo my hair or clasp a bra… Diabetes, arthritis, Graves’ disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system etc. all contribute and that’s just the physical stuff.

The mental health aspect is I struggle with depression, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m on 18 different prescription medications.

I have a child with special needs.

I was denied disability, twice.

Until today.

“We have carefully reviewed the facts of your case and have approved the claim for SSI benefits  that you filed. As of November 2016 you met all the rules to be eligible for SSI based on being disabled.”

The rest of the 13 page letter goes on to explain that no payments can be made because of my spouse’s income, the fact that I own a car and a life insurance policy and an am working 6 hours a week.


I’m not even sure what to think right now. When I was denied previously, I told myself it was ok. Good even. People think I’m capable… it seems a little strange to wish to be disabled… and yet, I wondered if I was just … a wimp. Or a whiner. Or indulging in excess amounts of self-pity.

Today’s letter felt a little like a vindication. Yes, I have a lot on my plate. It would be a lot for anyone to handle. I’m not just being a baby.

Now I wonder, where do I go from here?

Published by spiredone

I am what a majority of the general population would call "crazy" and at this point in my life, I wear that label with love. I am a lifelong circus act. I'm focusing on balance while learning to juggle. I write about deeply overwhelming emotions like grief and I also go out and perform stand up comedy. I am a constant work in progress, as we all are. So, join me on my journey if you'd like but respect is a must. Otherwise I'll have my elephant crush you in the center ring, under the Big Top. :) Seriously, who needs that negative shit in their life? Namaste.

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