Sunday’s post was admittedly very depressing. I thought about ending with a joke or in some other way, discount or invalidate my feelings- to make other people more comfortable. I write to honor my experiences, myself. It’s for that reason, I ended it the way I did.
Understandably, my mom was worried. “I want to discuss your post” she texted shortly after it was published.
I told her I was tired and asked if we could talk tomorrow.
“Of course” she said.
First thing Monday morning she called and asked if I was feeling any better. I was, I guess, maybe a little bit.
We talked about Noah and about maybe he is just waiting for me to get healthy… I liked that idea. I thought again of how relieved I was that I lost Noah before Natalie. I didn’t need to blame her for anything more than what I already was.
I guess I need to back up a bit. The other day mom and I were talking about symbols and the which ones in particular we were going to use for the expo. “Rainbows” she said. She kept getting rainbows. Seeing them show up in her paintings, finding “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” song etc. Ok, I thought. Is there anything more to the rainbow? Are we just using it because it symbolizes something beautiful after a storm? While on the phone with her, I googled rainbow symbolism.
It stands for unity. Bridging Heaven and Earth. This felt better… Right.
I thought of it Monday morning on my way to work. I got a text of Natalie singing “Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey.
“Don’t stop believing what? In Natalie? In life after death? What?” (Yes, I do routinely talk to myself, especially when I’m in the car.)
Just then, I caught the license plate on the car next to me. 444 NA(w?). 444 Is a sign for angels. I was hoping that the last letter would’ve been a T, I know it was not. Still initials? the triple 4? Signs, right? They had to be.
So you saw a license plate and that to you is a sign? Not everything is a sign! (This is the cynical part of myself, taking the wheel, momentarily.) I’m reading too much into this, I thought. Just then, a Rainbow Taxi cab pulled up next to me.
“Hi Nat… Thanks” I said.
The next morning, on our way out to the car to take Tayla to school, there stood two deer. They paused from chewing their grass to give us a minute or two of eye connection. Once in the car, I googled what a deer as a spirit animal represented.
I don’t remember now the exact meaning but the point of it was that Don asked what I was doing. I told him and he let out a huge sigh. “Why does it have to be a sign or mean anything?” He said.
“Do you know how common it is to see deer out here? Where in the middle of some pretty heavily wooded areas…”
“Yeah?” I asked
“How many deer have you seen here? Since we moved in?”
He was silent.
Was it a sign? Was it a message? Am I making things out that are not necessarily there? Is it possible that it IS a sign or message? Why is THAT so hard to believe? Yes, you can probably make a lot of sense of otherwise seemingly nonsense but today, I am of the opinion of Roald Dahl who said “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it”.
If you’re looking for answers, you will find them. Who knows, maybe this post is a sign for you!