Yesterday I felt fragile. Small and breakable. It started out that way because I was putting the finishing touches on the “End the Epidemic” brochure for the expo on the 15th and spent a lot of time finding the right photos and making them the perfect sizes. Writing her name and her dates and a little of her story…
I had an appointment at 1:00 and I was grateful for the break. Afterward, I planned on going to Sally Beauty to get some hair dye. Once in the car though, I realized how badly I needed to pee! I knew Sally’s didn’t have a restroom, so I opted for Unique… hey, at least they’ll have ONE thing I need! I finished washing my hands and dried them on my jeans on the way out. “I wonder if they’ll have anything that reminds me of Natalie…” I looked up to see this:
“Ok, fine. You’re here. Thank you very much AND I’m still pretty pissed off.”
I wandered a bit because I had a little time to kill before picking Tayla up from school. Because of Halloween coming up, the store is laid out a little differently than I’m used to. I was perusing the kitchen gadget isle (our toasted WAS toast last week) looking for a toaster but found myself in the movie section.
I’ve been trying to get more in tune with my intuition and so I tried to “feel” which way to go, what message I was supposed to get. Standing in front of shelf after shelf of movies, I quickly became overwhelmed. “I know Nat. You love movies but seriously, you loved them so much, I’ll never know which one I’m supposed to find!”
I saw The Crow. Is it this one? Oh, Pulp Fiction- that has to be it, right? But no internal alarm sounded, no sensation was felt. My arms were getting fuller and my calculated cost grew with each title. “Sorry Nat. I can’t buy all these. Then watch all of them? I guess the only way I’ll really know if I’m on to something is if I see a movie like Somewhere in Time…” I actually laughed at the prospect of finding such a movie, in such a place.
Guess what? Not a minute later, my eyes found this:
The sensation of a brain freeze took hold of me and I clutched the movie to my chest, trying with all I had not to cry until I got out of the store (which I did!).
I had a big cry and pulled myself together before turning the car on. As I looked around, checking for cars, I saw three black birds circling overhead.
“Show off” I thought.
But there’s more. The first song I heard was “Save Me” by Shinedown.
I got a candle
And I’ve got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors and no rooms
And under a window sill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me, if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn’t handle forgiveness
Now I’m far beyond gone
And I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How could I love this,
My life so dishonest
It made me compromise
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me, if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me
My hardest question
To answer is why
Why
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me, if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
Someone save me [Repeat: x2]
Somebody save me [Repeat: x2]
Please don’t erase me
Hearing that made me hungry for more…
I turned to Siri and Apple Music requesting “music by Shinedown”.
Here is what came up, in the order it played:
Cut the Cord (to self harm) so you can survive “don’t be a casualty, cut the cord”
Second Chance “sometimes goodbye is a second chance”
Save Me
Through the Ghost
Sometimes, ok, a lot of times, I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I want her to be with me, show me she’s here and when she does, it’s not good enough. It’s coincidence. It’s an accident. My mind is filling my life with “signs”, it’s all in my head because that way I don’t have to forgive her. If she abandons me, it’s ok for me to still be so angry… Even though deep down, I know she’s sorry. She didn’t mean to abandon us. She is still around. She will always be around and it’s ok for me to be angry.
Striving For Sanity 