“How are you?” It still sounds like such an asinine question, yet I can’t help myself from asking it. I try to check in with my family on Thursdays. THE day. The past couple of Thursdays I’ve noticed an almost traumatic response to the realization of the day. “Oh shit. It’s Thursday” I’ll think, like I haven’t been dreading it since the previous Friday.
I remember the phone call with my brother.
“Is she dead?” I demanded. I was almost yelling at him.
“Yeah” he responded in a voice that barely cracked above a whisper.
My voice, now almost suddenly and completely gone, replies “I’ll be there is soon as I can”.
“ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. What the fuck is Justin talking about? There must be some mistake. He’s confused. ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod.”
My parents, wailing. My brother, stone faced. Friends, attending to our parents. Me, brain numb, palms against the wall. Pushing. Holding myself up.
Where IS SHE?
I see her in the dining room chair, where I saw her last. In her apartment, on the bed, laid back and lifeless. In the casket, looking 50 years old at the mere age of 36. In her beautiful urn. A mound of ashes. On top of a player piano. She won’t ever play it again.
The pictures come over and over again. The best way to describe it? Those of you who have seen American Horror Story, Coven… remember when Misty Day went to Hell as part of the Seven Wonders challenge? She had to prove herself and her powers by going to Hell and coming back? Only, she didn’t make it back. She lived the worst day of her life over and over, like a sick Ground Hog Day movie, without Bill Murray. If you haven’t seen it, or don’t remember it, I’ll include a YouTube video at the end of this article for those interested. It was a very eye opening experience to witness. And now, I feel I can relate.
I’ve been trying to figure out how I can possibly feel as shitty as I do and yet have pinpoint moments where I feel a thousand times worse than that.
Today I think I got it. Someone had asked me if the shock was wearing off. I didn’t know how to answer because I can’t really be in shock or denial with as much pain as I’m experiencing, can I? Then again, I feel pin pricks of time, like I’m being emotionally ripped to shreds…amplified by infinity.
I think what’s happening is that I feel so devastated, destroyed and dismayed (and a lot more too) that I kinda forget WHY I’m so miserable. I just wallow in the sadness and the sorrow and let it wash over me. Engulf me. That when something specific DOES trigger me, I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. Why I’m so numb and depressed. And it starts again and plays on repeat, causing another shock wave of emotion.
It’s been hell these past couple of days and in less than an hour, It’ll be my favorite day of the week.
Striving For Sanity 