The Price of Healing

Right now I’m trying to decide if Satan would take my soul for $300, give or take.

This weekend, this past week more accurately, has been exceptionally difficult in dealing with the loss of Noah. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if anything triggered it or if my heart and mind are trying to focus on something other than Natalie… But it’s been tough.

Today sucked. Big time. I woke up before I was ready, at 11:30ish. My alarm had been going off for quite a while and explained the very odd music beat that had been playing in my dream… “and if you complain once more, you’ll meet an army of me” Bjork repeatedly sang. I needed an army of Advil.

I was irritated by EVERYTHING from the cats wanting to be fed to the sound of my voice as I told them to wait a minute.

I was out the door before realizing I’d forgotten my keys. I went back inside, bolted the door, ran to the bedroom and began sobbing into my giant monkey’s head. Muffled screams and howls of sorrow were released into the soft fur of my inanimate friend. I turned on the air as I’ve learned cooling down the body is a good way to self regulate high emotions. To come back to the here and now. To calm myself down.

Once I’d exhausted myself, I went into the kitchen for a glass of cold water and saw Tayla looking at me with curiosity. She didn’t ask what was wrong but I noticed her eyes were wet too.

Later, in the car (where she couldn’t escape) I asked her why she’d been crying. “I don’t know how else to say it other than to say your emotions are contagious”.

I felt guilty at first, then pride. I am raising her to be compassionate. Even if she doesn’t like to show it…

Around dinnertime, we all sat at the kitchen table and watched America’s Funniest Home Videos. Usually a feel good show, I was moved to tears when they had a collection of videos featuring pregnancy announcements. Screams and cries of joy echoed around me.

I felt like shit.

Then I got a text from my best friend. She’d talked with someone who makes dolls called “reborn” dolls. Did I want one for Noah? Knife in my heart, stab, stab, stab. Yes, of course I do. She’ll get back to her with a price quote.

The name “reborn” doll intrigued me though. So, who has everything you ever wanted with a buy it now button? eBay. I searched the online retailer and found thousands of them.

Including THE ONE.

He’s a beautiful baby boy. Made by a woman who lives in MN. I scrolled down to read more and what I saw took my breath away.

“Proudly Presenting, Noah”

I know that Noah is not an unusual name AND it felt like he was made just for me.

I’d love to post pictures but I’m not sure I can because of copyright infringement. If, I mean when, he comes home, I’ll post them here on the blog!

Until then, I’m going to focus all my “feels” on the spot this particular ray of light is hitting my heart.



Published by spiredone

I am what a majority of the general population would call "crazy" and at this point in my life, I wear that label with love. I am a lifelong circus act. I'm focusing on balance while learning to juggle. I write about deeply overwhelming emotions like grief and I also go out and perform stand up comedy. I am a constant work in progress, as we all are. So, join me on my journey if you'd like but respect is a must. Otherwise I'll have my elephant crush you in the center ring, under the Big Top. :) Seriously, who needs that negative shit in their life? Namaste.

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