Feelings

That dirty little “F” word. I hate it. I hate feeling right now… and not feeling later. How is it possible to be SO FULL of empty? I don’t understand. Maybe I’m not supposed to.

A lot of my rage has died down with the results of the toxicology report. I don’t know WHY it matters so much whether or not the heroin had fentanyl in it or not, just that hearing  there was no indication of it… Took some of the energy away. The outcome would’ve been the same either way but I wanted so badly to blame someone else. She was a smart girl. So smart. She couldn’t have misjudged how much heroin was “safe”, she knew her tolerance. Right? GOD, somebody PLEASE tell me this wasn’t just the result of a careless mistake! A bad gamble, a lapse in rational thinking… but that’s exactly what it was.

The news about Christina Grimmie (season six contestant, she finished in 3rd place on The Voice) was upsetting. Initially just because it was so tragic and senseless. Then later, I felt a little jaded. No matter what happens from here on out, Christina will be perfect. So much talent, beautiful, gone too soon- taken, too soon. No one will ever know if she would’ve been a big success. She’ll never have poor choices scrutinized or get caught in controversy.

She had a lot in common with Natalie. I felt slighted, even by the news. Natalie made a bad choice and paid for it with her life. I’m so afraid that’s all people will remember about her… Again, this is something that *shouldn’t matter. The people who knew her and loved her are the ones who matter and everyone else … fuck ’em.

Today and yesterday were extra hard. I’m not sure why. I guess a lot of the immediate things have been taken care of, Tayla is done with school, we’re mostly moved into our new place and it’s so quiet. Empty. Lonely. And I start thinking.

About how she’s dead. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. About how now the only time I’ll see her is on the face of a photograph. An untouchable memory. A dream too good to be true.

I think about how I can still hear her but there will never be anything original again. Her laughter, the way she sometimes snorted when she was really belly laughing…the way her face sometimes froze because she was laughing so hard, no noise was coming out at all.

I can feel her, kinda. I have a stuffed dog that wears headphones. The headphones are actually stereo speakers and there’s a pocket where I can plug in my phone and zip it up safe. I can listen to her sing me to sleep while cuddling something.

It feels like I got the news yesterday and like an eternity has gone by already.