It’s close enough to Wednesday that I can try to pass this off as Wednesday’s post… just in case we’re not moved and have the computer set up by the end of the day tomorrow.

I received an instant message on Facebook from someone who was close to Natalie at one point, years ago. She sent me a beautiful, heartfelt message and also had some questions.

She said she didn’t expect me to answer them because she and Natalie hadn’t been close in awhile. Life can really get in the way of relationships. I’ve got a girlfriend that I go months and months (years, maybe!) without connecting with but when you’re really friends with someone, I don’t think it matters how much time has gone by. The love and care for that person doesn’t diminish… not for me anyway.

I also think mystery surrounding a death is about the worst thing there is. It helps with closure to have answers. So, with that in mind, I’m going to answer the questions she asked. If anyone has questions, about Natalie or what happened, I’m open to talking about it or answering what I can or looking for the answers that I don’t have.

Here’s what I do know about what happened on May 19th.

Natalie had been alone. If I’m remembering correctly, someone stopped by (most likely a drug dealer) and she waited for him to leave. At around midnight, the was someone trying to buzz in. She never answered.

At around 11:30 that Thursday morning, Jess stopped by with coffee. They had such a close relationship, they even called each other “husband” and “wife”. Jess and Natalie saw each other every day.

The light and the fan in the bathroom were still on, like she was coming right back… She saw Natalie on the bed, Niles (her little miniature dachshund) laying on top of her or next to her, kissing her and trying to keep her warm. Jess called to her and there was no response. As she got closer, she saw that Nat was purple. I think she tried to wake her anyway but Natalie was cold and hard to the touch. I hope I’m ok saying this, I think it’d be ok to say that Jess got onto the bed with her and held her and cried with her. The image is heartbreaking and I’m so grateful to her for doing what I wish I could’ve done.

Eight days after she passed, we saw a medium. I don’t know how many, if any of you believe in that stuff but I do. I was glad we went and felt some relief… Right off the bat, this woman says “I’m getting this was a very recent passing…” We nodded and she said “it was from drugs”. She went on to explain that she had my grandma with her, and my uncle because Natalie didn’t know yet, quite how to move her energy and communicate. She did say, many times how sorry she was. It was an accident. She was confused and wasn’t really sure what had happened.

I’d imagined she took the heroin and laid back and  went to sleep but from the way her body was positioned, her feet were still on the ground. She’d been sitting on the edge of the bed and fell backward. Didn’t curl up with the covers or anything. Like the drug was so powerful, as soon as it hit her bloodstream, she was out.

My mom and dad got to go up and see her before they took her away and they agreed she looked peaceful, kinda like she was sleeping.

What drove me nuts for the longest time was wondering what she was wearing. I’m not exactly sure why. I was afraid she was nude. Afraid she had bruising. Afraid of seeing track marks. Jess told me she was wearing sweats, a t-shirt, socks and a headband. For some reason that was almost worse. More innocent, I guess. Overall though, I was relieved.

We don’t know who sold her the heroin. The police say they’re looking into it but I don’t know if that’s just lip service… They haven’t returned phone calls and I don’t know if they have any leads. I’m guessing if they did, they’d call us back… I’m frustrated with that aspect of it.

At first they were treating it as a homicide. There have been a number of deaths due to an overdose of heroin that’s been laced with fentanyl. Something like nine or 11? The toxicology reports came back today and showed her system was negative for the fentanyl. I was shocked. And scared. Does that mean they’re not going to prosecute whoever did sell her the drugs? I’m scared that they won’t. They said they will but I’m not impressed with their track record thus far, so who knows? Why isn’t this in the newspaper?

I guess I still have a ton of questions myself.

Jess and I were talking the other day and she said she keeps thinking about the movie “Titanic”, where Rose is telling Jack she’ll never let go. I thought it was kinda cool that I also thought about that movie a lot in relation to Natalie but the part I keep replaying is when Jack finds out Rose didn’t get on the lifeboat: “Why did you do that? You’re so stupid, Rose. Rose, you’re so stupid” then he kisses her and holds her tight. I know Natalie was a very bright girl. She just made a stupid decision. A mistake… I don’t want to focus solely on that, but I do need to feel it for a little bit longer…

I hope this has been helpful. I may have repeated some info, but I don’t remember what I have said and what I haven’t so again, I offer to take any questions as I believe knowledge and having answers is imperative to healing.

Take good care of yourselves.

Published by spiredone

I am what a majority of the general population would call "crazy" and at this point in my life, I wear that label with love. I am a lifelong circus act. I'm focusing on balance while learning to juggle. I write about deeply overwhelming emotions like grief and I also go out and perform stand up comedy. I am a constant work in progress, as we all are. So, join me on my journey if you'd like but respect is a must. Otherwise I'll have my elephant crush you in the center ring, under the Big Top. :) Seriously, who needs that negative shit in their life? Namaste.

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