It’s been approximately 336 hours since Natalie left us. Two weeks today. It’s been 17 days since I last heard her sing…
“Lately, there seems to be
Some insecurities
About the way I feel
Where I want to be
Love will be right here, be right here
Right here, be right here
(Don’t you have no) No fear, have no fear
(Don’t shed) no tears, love is here
True love some don’t believe in
That’s just what I’m giving
I’m gonna keep it strong
I’ll be holding on to you.
Sure as the sun is shining
Our love will keep on climbing
There’s gonna be some rain, gonna be some pain
But as long as I know
Boy, time will show
Our love will grow, and I know…”
(Those aren’t all the lyrics but the applicable ones. I’ll include a link below for anyone who wants to listen to it.)
How is it possible? How can it be two weeks already? And yet, it’s only been two weeks?!?! It feels like two seconds and an eternity…
I still have pockets of time where ever other second, I’m hearing the news for the first time. I get the sick sensation that I’m going to faint or throw up or both. My heart aches. It stabs. It stops. It needs help starting again…
I alternate between thinking “She’s gone. I know she’s gone. What did I expect? How am I going to get through without her?” and “She’s NOT gone. She’s still here. With me. With all of us…” Yes, her physical body is gone and that’s hard. But her spirit? Nothing can take that away. Thank God she didn’t mind the camera! Or being recorded. That she was such a *I mean it in the best possible way* Diva.
I’m reminded that the brighter the star, the greater the darkness when they dim.
I had my first dream with Natalie in it on Tuesday night.
It was winter, cold and dark. My dad was outside talking to Natalie. She was trying to take a car that’d been totaled out, “I can get $50 bucks for it” she told him. “Natalie, that doesn’t make any sense… the engine alone is worth $3,000. Piece it out.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense dad, but I need the money now.”
She puts the hunk of wrecked metal in the trunk of someone’s car and starts to get in.
“Wait” I screamed.
She paused. It was now daylight and warm, we were in our parents driveway.
I ran to her and hugged her. Hard.
“Don’t EVER do that to me again! Don’t you leave me again” I said as I cried into her neck.
She hugged me back and said “Don’t be silly. I’m never going to leave you.”
When I woke up, I didn’t even remember my dream. It was when I went to wake Tayla up for school that it started to come back to me. I went back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging and rocking myself.
Even though I was (and continue to be) devastated, there was something going on inside me or around me that felt comforted…
Shine on Nat. I love you.
Striving For Sanity 
Tears, tears and more tears. They just won’t stop!! I try but they seem to have a mind if it’s own.
Keep writing Mel. Your word and stories are conforting and healing. We are all here reading and grieving right along with you. Love you doll!
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They do seem to have a mind of their own, don’t they? I have to get ready for work! Cleansing although not at all convenient! Grrr! Love you too Jess. Xoxo
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